Profusely Confused

Who am I? What is the purpose of my life?

These questions have been the most difficult questions for me in this exam called life. Have you been asking these yourself too? There is no right or wrong answer but whatever is the answer, it defines one's existence in this world. Left unanswered you will still make a living but would you have truly lived?

Like me, a lot of other people would have asked this question to themselves at some point in time. For a variety of people, this question is met with a variety of answers. But if you are anything like me, you come up with no answer at all. It’s all jumbled up, crackling noises inside the head which mean nothing.

I have come across a million articles on Google whenever I have searched for ‘Who am I?’ or ‘What is the purpose of my life?’ and none really point me towards the answer but leaves me with a five-second resolve to do everything to find the answers, then makes me more confused and then leaves me more alone. These questions have been the cause of several of my day offs and my off days.

I have identified my pattern too. Yes, there is a pattern to when this question becomes so firm in my mind. Every time, life throws at me a lemon I spiral down into a loop of these questions. I want to make a lemonade but don’t know if these are the right lemons for it or maybe these lemons will serve their purpose if I add it to my beer or maybe I should just have it with a cup of hot water it’s good for health, or add it on top of my salad, or maybe just give it away to someone who needs this more than me. I don’t know. And then these questions start running in a loop.

Not knowing answers to these questions gives a feeling of emptiness. Like, on the surface you have this body but inside you are hollow. It feels like you are a program that things are happening to you by accident rather than you causing them. Your entire life becomes an assumption, a creation of your schooled imagination.

I have had people, out of their concern towards me, tell me to read a certain book or join a certain program, meditate, do things that make me happy. I have done some of it with limited success and a temporary effect. Nevertheless, I’ll keep doing them. In anticipation that someday, hopefully soon I find out answers to these questions. Because it is important to not give up. 

One way to look at this is to be happy and be mindful of what is making us happy since it will usually guide us to defining the purpose of our lives and who we are. But why do I say this? Because I know how it feels. The pressure it brings, the cluelessness, the lack of clarity, it all feels very lonely. I have felt that on numerous occasions. I feel it right now when I am writing this. But I have no intention to give another philosophy or an opinion or be an impetus for a revolution where we all suddenly find our purpose. I write this just to say, I am sailing the same boat, like many others and maybe like you. 

It is simply to say “You are not alone!"