Profusely Confused

Who am I? What is the purpose of my life?

These questions have been the most difficult questions for me in this exam called life. Have you been asking these yourself too? There is no right or wrong answer but whatever is the answer, it defines one's existence in this world. Left unanswered you will still make a living but would you have truly lived?

Like me, a lot of other people would have asked this question to themselves at some point in time. For a variety of people, this question is met with a variety of answers. But if you are anything like me, you come up with no answer at all. It’s all jumbled up, crackling noises inside the head which mean nothing.

I have come across a million articles on Google whenever I have searched for ‘Who am I?’ or ‘What is the purpose of my life?’ and none really point me towards the answer but leaves me with a five-second resolve to do everything to find the answers, then makes me more confused and then leaves me more alone. These questions have been the cause of several of my day offs and my off days.

I have identified my pattern too. Yes, there is a pattern to when this question becomes so firm in my mind. Every time, life throws at me a lemon I spiral down into a loop of these questions. I want to make a lemonade but don’t know if these are the right lemons for it or maybe these lemons will serve their purpose if I add it to my beer or maybe I should just have it with a cup of hot water it’s good for health, or add it on top of my salad, or maybe just give it away to someone who needs this more than me. I don’t know. And then these questions start running in a loop.

Not knowing answers to these questions gives a feeling of emptiness. Like, on the surface you have this body but inside you are hollow. It feels like you are a program that things are happening to you by accident rather than you causing them. Your entire life becomes an assumption, a creation of your schooled imagination.

I have had people, out of their concern towards me, tell me to read a certain book or join a certain program, meditate, do things that make me happy. I have done some of it with limited success and a temporary effect. Nevertheless, I’ll keep doing them. In anticipation that someday, hopefully soon I find out answers to these questions. Because it is important to not give up. 

One way to look at this is to be happy and be mindful of what is making us happy since it will usually guide us to defining the purpose of our lives and who we are. But why do I say this? Because I know how it feels. The pressure it brings, the cluelessness, the lack of clarity, it all feels very lonely. I have felt that on numerous occasions. I feel it right now when I am writing this. But I have no intention to give another philosophy or an opinion or be an impetus for a revolution where we all suddenly find our purpose. I write this just to say, I am sailing the same boat, like many others and maybe like you. 

It is simply to say “You are not alone!"

Happy New year everyone!

2017 was a tough one for me. There were struggles, falls, anguish, painful endings and hopeful beginnings. With this, I am putting some highlights of the year that went by. I know we are already in 2018, but as the old adage goes (makes absolute sense for a lazy bum like me!) “better late than never”.

Travel

Singapore

It all started as drunk see off at the airport. Vasav and Asmita were going back to Singapore. We were sitting at the Mumbai airport just having a good time and by the end of it, my flight to Singapore was booked and itinerary finalized. So I flew to Singapore and stayed there for good 10 days. It brought in a good break from the routine and a stamp on my otherwise unused passport.

Year of the Rooster: Chinese New Year celebrations

Kopi O and Kaya Toast, my staple for every morning

Merlion. The place where people give cliche poses

Something that caught my attention while walking the roads

Singapore Zoo

Gardens By the Bay

We made Dal Baati at home, in Singapore :)

Italy (Oh well!)

Another drunken plan. However, this went down the drain when we became sober. Me, Lovejot and Abhimanyu were having one of our after work evenings when we took it a notch above and booked a flight to Venice. While Lovejot did go to Italy on a solo swag trip, I and Abhimanyu burnt a big hole in our barely left pocket.

Malwan

On my birthday this year, I saw the opportunity of an extended weekend and decided to get away from the whole hustle bustle of the city and go to Malwan and spend some time doing the mundane stuff like watching a sunset while sitting on the rocks at a beach or running on the beach in the morning. Happy 32^nd to me!

Devbagh Sangam

Rock Garden: Sunset Point

Corn on the cob and the sunset

Run on the beach

Naneghat Trek

At Naneghat base, just before starting the trek- (L to R) Punit, Chintan, Me, Kranti and Anup

Rain soaked climb accompanied by heavy winds

Ah! This is an amazing memory. The usual culprits in me, Punit, Anup, Kranti and latest entrant in Chintan. One fine morning decided to trek Naneghat. See it for yourself what happened there:






Work

Pizza Cube Café

Holachef forayed into the offline model with a new brand: Pizza Cube Cafe. From one outlet in May, by December we had 4 outlets marking their presence in the busy QSR footprint in Mumbai. This was challenging and whole new learning experience.

Goofing around when our first Pizza Cube Cafe was just a site under construction

Health/ Sporting milestones

Kicked the butt- finally!

What started as a ‘looking cool’ thing during college, soon became a habit. Stopped completely as a new resolution on January 1, 2017. And boy it’s been a full one year. What’s the guarantee that I won’t pick up the habit again? Because I feel a lot better, because the food tastes so much better and because of what follows next.

First Half Marathon: IDBI Federal Life Insurance Mumbai Half Marathon

That's me trying to run, breathe and manage my centre of gravity, all at the same time!

           
Overweight, out of breath, stress eating and surviving on fast food every day, sitting more than 8 hrs in a day in office and then on the couch; running a half marathon was a distant dream which I had not dreamt yet. But it happened.

I was running 2-3 km few days in a week just to become active. I happened to know about IDBI Federal Life Insurance Half Marathon through friends who I follow on Strava. I registered for the same and started training. This was a struggle I don’t think my body was ready for. But I pushed it. The thought of quitting occurred many times but the resolution was strong and I wanted to do it.

And Finally, I did it. August 20, 2017. I crawled my way to the finish line in 3:00:33. My first half marathon. It was a rain-soaked run and I think I did cry ‘khushi ke aansoo’ at the end of it.

Strava link to this activity: https://www.strava.com/activities/1142237622

Second Half Marathon: Indiabulls Vasai Virar Mayor's Run: Half Marathon

Sprinting to the finish line

I got to know of Vasai Virar Half Marathon and immediately signed up for it. I set my sight on 02:30:00 finish time for half marathon. I ran my heart out in training. So much so that just a week before the race, I pulled my hamstring trying to run too fast. I ran with all my heart on the race day and managed to finish it in 02:33:13. I was elated and hooked up to running.

Strava link to this activity: https://www.strava.com/activities/1308824212

My year on sports as captured by Strava:


The journey to these half marathons and a few 10k’s in between was very lonely. There were several occasions when I questioned myself about why am I doing this. I still did it. Now, when I think about the finish line emotions I went through, I think it was all worth it.

'नौ सौ चूहे खा के बिल्ली हज को चली' a.k.a Hello Vegetarianism!

I am currently also researching on being vegan. Maybe 2018 will be "Hello Veganism"! But it will be a herculean task to give-up ghee, rabdi, curd and other things that I absolutely love in my food.

The Struggles

The end of 2017

Om Sai Ram!

Always saw these windmills from far. Went close this time

What's a year without a good time with friends and family, eh?


                                               At Barvi Dam with Kranti and Abhimanyu

When Krisha was more excited to cut my birthday cake!

Birthday gift from Krisha :D

Lalbaug cha Raja!!

Mittal ki naak kat gayi :P

Diwali, Home and traditional attire: Check!

May the light of the diya guide us all :)

Kidzania: Became a kid again with Krisha and had a lot of fun in the process :D

My sister Chicky a.k.a Kriti got engaged

Ajanta Circus...

Fish thali: I'll miss this the most, now that I am a vegetarian

Getting ready for a mime act... :P

And so ended 2017.

There is so much that happened in 2017. I survived all the lows, celebrated all the highs, enjoyed with old friends, met some fantastic new people on the way, cried a lot, laughed a lot more. Here’s to a hopeful 2018.   

 image credit: https://scottstrissel.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/wall.jpg

Who you want to be

Where you want to go

You want to attract things you want

but don't know how

How you want people to be

How people want you to be

But in reality, who are you?

To be or not to be something

To do what or what not to do

To own up or to live in ignominy

Who will hear you out?

When everyone wants you to listen

People have opinion, you fall prey to it

you be what they want you to be

You do what they want you to do

You live how they want you to live

And ignore what’s real, what your heart wants

And sometimes you don’t

you choose to not cry, walk out and move on

Or so you think

Your life, your choice

But then comes the heartbreak

And you want to be left alone

then comes in self-doubt

And you start to blame

Do you own up?

Do you take responsibility?

How does it end or does it have an end?

Is it really your life and your choice?

you get captured in your thought prison

And look for reasons to justify

for it's really painful and difficult to accept

And then you take the easy route: Escapism!

Only to come back to the same walls

trapped in an imagination, starved of freedom

and plan your next escape!

Seven years. That’s how long I have been in Mumbai, the city that never sleeps. Anytime of the night, you go out on the roads of this amusing city, you will always find it alive with some or the other activity. The city is beautiful, colorful and full of life. For every struggle, every sweat and every tear this city causes upon people, it also brings joys, color, dance, and music, especially during Ganapati festival.

The festival transforms this city. Everyone comes together to celebrate it. Pandals spring up at every lane, every nook, and corner. The elephant-deity adore these pandals in various sizes, all dressed up and hundreds of people line up to offer their prayers and get the blessing.

During these 11 days of Ganapati, I am sure thousands of pandals would be setting up in Mumbai and among all, the most popular and most visited pandal is that of Lalbaug cha Raja, the Ganapati pandal set up in the center of Mumbai in Lal Baug, a place in between Dadar and Parel. The pandal is more popular for the queue it attracts than anything else. I have read stories about people waiting for anywhere between 24-48 hours to finally have a darshan of not more than a minute. All these stories kept me at bay for all these years to go and visit the pandal. Also, I never truly felt like going there.

But 2014 is different. Somehow this year, I have come in touch with my religious side a lot more. After having been to Vaishno Devi in June and this time when Ganapati Utsav began, I just thought to myself that I’d go to Lal Baug cha Raja this year. And I did, on Friday, September 5^th, 2014. I found a company in Kranti and we decided that we will go early in the morning at around 3.30am to account for waiting in the queue and come back in time for the work next day.

Rain, Rain.. Go away!

First, we were adored by the rains. Heavy rains! It dampened our spirits so much that we were contemplating going back home while waiting at a bus stop. Kranti suggested that may be it’s a test. The universe is testing our spirit and resolve to go to Lal Baug. We let this thought sink in and decided that rain will not stop us from going to Lal Baug. And so we left, with rains pouring on us, occasionally halting at several Ganpati pandals to take shelter, mostly at the insistence of Kranti to save the two smartphones he always carries.

And the universe conspired

Drenched, we somehow reached Lal Baug and the rains miraculously stopped. Kranti and I then started looking for the queue to line up, wait and offer our prayers to Lord Ganesha. While we were confused as to where the queue begins, slowly the realization dawned upon us that there was NO queue.  We came across a lot of people, who asked us for money promising that we will get darshan in 5 minutes. Without paying any attention to them, we simply walked in and reached the pandal in straight 5 minutes anyway. And we spent good 15-20 minutes praying and admiring the huge and beautifully decorated statue of Lal Baug cha Raja. 

I will have a version of the story which probably not many will believe. You can call it pure luck or a divine miracle, but it's true. 

Visit to few more pandals

We came out smiling and reflecting upon our situation an hour back when we had almost given up coming here. No queue, no waiting, and peaceful darshan seemed such a beautiful reward.

After a few photographs of the lively atmosphere and some vada pavs, we decided to visit a few more pandals. In one of the pandals, we saw tickets being sold for Rs.20/- to avoid the queue and have a fast track entry. Kranti and I looked at each other criticized the system and with an air of confidence decided that we’ll stand in the queue because it’s our day and Lord Ganesha is happy with us and we’ll get a quick darshan. But the moment we saw the long queue, we both took our Rs.20 from our pockets and took the fast track route (I know, this is Hypocrisy!:P)

A panwala? A playwright?

Just when we were leaving, it started to rain again. We ran and stood under a pan shop. The owner of the shop, whose name I don't remember now unfortunately, had just opened the shop. In normal course of conversation, I got to know that he's an MSc. by education and writes plays on social inequality, rich-poor divide. He had a great sense of humour too. Interesting person to meet and talk to at 6.00am in the morning.

It stopped raining in sometime. I could see children coming out of their homes, ready to go to school. Little traffic had started to build up on the road. It kept drizzling though out our way back from Lal Baug but it never poured like it did while we were going there. Soon I could feel the gentle rays of early morning sun on my face and shine on the chrome of my motorcycle. It felt Like Lord Ganesha was quite happy with what we did to reach him, meet him and greet him that he finally gave us some sunshine.

By 7am, we were back to the warmth of our homes; satisfied and with lots of stories to tell our grandchildren.

P.S. This one is from 2014. I know that's the height of laziness but that's me. The next year, in 2015 we went again and Abhimanyu & Arthi joined us. Though there were no rains, but we did find a long queue and an interesting journey through the crowded roads of Mumbai to find food at 4 am in the morning. More on that later. ;)